When you do good things or receive a “good job”, you feel good. Same goes the other way around. It’s the basis of psychology.

When we were kids, things were simple. I did things based on whether they were “good” or “bad”, and not what the aftermath or repercussions would be. Now, we question “good jobs” as if the person said it sarcastically.

All the experiences that have accumulated throughout my lifetime have only added to my indecisiveness. When I’m about to dive, I remember the time I jumped from a ledge and scraped my knees. When I’m about to answer a question in class, I think of the time my answer was way off and I put my hand down. When I want someone to pass me the ball, I remember the time in a softball game where I lost the handle on the ball, giving the other team an easy run and I hold back from asking.

These thoughts may save you from trouble, but they keep you from living. The past scenarios only have a slight chance of happening. So what about the other 80% of being successful?

I just turned 15, and life is already slipping away from me. Sure, I’ve learned how to make myself look good, how to get good grades, but I lost the art of being truly happy.

At times I get sudden urges to take initiative in my life and get out there, but a split second later, my mind is teeming with “What if’s”.

Sometimes, when the moment gets so exciting and my body fills with endorphins, I start questioning myself. Did I forget to turn the stove off at home? What if something bad just happened? Am I smiling too big? These thoughts come one after another, and I no longer feel like I’m deserving of the moment. It’s sad, really.

Overthinkers will understand what I’m saying. We continuously create problems that don’t exist.

All I truly want is to be a kid again, when I was invincible. I can’t turn back time, but today is my birthday afterall, so I have some leeway in what I want to do. As a new 15 year old, I’m making a full-pledged promise to start living. Bye-bye, 14 year old overthinker me. Hello fearless 15.

 

 

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